Community High School

Far Faraway

One of the first things that probably comes to your mind when you think of England is the notoriously wet weather. When I moved here, I was expecting the weather to be constantly grey and that my raincoat would become my most treasured possession. Then I stepped off the airplane and discovered that, although the sky was rather cloudy, rain seemed no more common than it was back in Michigan. “Lies, all lies,” I thought, basking in the moderately warm sun, “it doesn’t rain all that much in England.” Then autumn arrived and I realized that yes, it does rain a lot in England. If you’re in the right season, it rains every day for a few hours, mostly in a light but still irritating drizzle.

The drizzle continues until you step outside, at which point the clouds spew like a drunken chav on Friday night. Everyone smiles ruefully and reaches for their umbrellas, saying, “Now there’s some real English weather, ay Iris?” and goes outside anyway. I have obviously forgotten my own umbrella, and so by the time I get home I am so drenched that my wool sweater has felted and my feet make squelching sounds for hours after when I walk, even if I am barefoot.

There is one thing that comforts me when I’m walking through sheets of rain without an umbrella: at least I’m not driving. The only people who enjoy driving in England are lunatics. I’m not saying this because they drive on the opposite side of the road or because there are roundabouts everywhere – I quite like the roundabouts, actually; they’re faster and more sensible than normal intersections.

The main problem with driving here is that, with the exception of a few towns like Milton Keynes, which was designed and built in the 1960’s, English streets were built to fit horses and pedestrians. As a result, roads tend to be narrow and extremely twisty. Combine that with hilly terrain and you’ve got a serious problem. Bath is so horrific to drive in that you have to leave town to take driving lessons.

You can get a license when you’re seventeen, but many people don’t bother for several years. It’s not uncommon to meet someone who is thirty but still relies on public transport. With gas prices at about $5.60 a gallon, I don’t blame them. At the time of writing this, prices in Ann Arbor were at about $2.29. So stop whining.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wring out my feet.

_Talk Like a Brit_

*Ace:* adj. Good. “The Communicator is ace!”

*Bloody:* adj. a minor expletive, often used for emphasis. “I hate this bloody weather.” “Not bloody likely!” “This tea is bloody fantastic.”

*Chav:* n. A young male who enjoys drinking and being destructive. Typically wears a hoodie or a tracksuit, and talks in a strange dialect in which all sentences end with the word “innit”. “Yeah, I was, like, sick in the pub, innit?”

*Cheers:* Thanks!

*Chips:* n. French fries.

*Cockney Rhyming Slang:* Nobody actually uses this any more, except for a few old men in London and tourists trying to look cool.

*Cracking:* adj. Very good. “Cracking toast, Gromit!”

*Crisps:* n. Potato chips.

*Daft:* adj. Stupid or silly. “Don’t be daft.”

*Dodgy:* adj. Untrustworthy. “This old pen is a bit dodgy.”

*Fancy:* v. To want or be attracted to. “I fancy a pint and a packet of crisps.”

*Fit:* adj. Attractive. “I fancy that fit girl over there!”

*Knackered:* adj. Tired, exhausted. “I’m going to bed – I’m knackered.”

*Minging:* adj. Smelly, ugly or just generally unpleasant. “This old sock is minging!”

*Naff:* adj. Uncool. “That dancing hamster toy is naff.”

*Nicked:* v. 1. Steal. “I nicked this bike.” 2. Arrested. “You’re nicked for nicking that bike.”.

*Pants:* 1. N. underpants. 2. Adj. Uncool. “This film is pants.”

*Right:* adj. Very. “He looks like a right idiot.”

*Skive:* v. To skip or avoid something, usually work or school. “I reckon I’ll skive off maths today.”

*Twit:* n. An idiot.

*Whinge:* v. To whine or complain. “He just whinges about the weather all the time.”

*Well:* adv. Very. “That car is well fast.”

*See previous Far Faraway essays. Click here.*