BUSTED! DEAN JUDY CAUGHT SMOKING
Justice comes in many forms, but few might have guessed that it would be sitting in the drivers’ seat of a high performance Jaguar X-Type on a Thursday afternoon. His name was Richard “MacDaddy�? Glaze and his game was dealing out the cold, bitter cards of fate. Usually with the theme from shaft blaring in his car speakers, he cruised the hard streets of Ann Arbor stalking injustice and walking the roads less traveled. But even Justice gets hungry, and so too was Glaze.
!http://static.flickr.com/35/120884756_05b74c8b5a.jpg! “With extra anchovies?” asked the hotdog vendor. “You got it!” replied Glaze. The MacDaddy had just bagged four hooligans that day who had claimed that throwing a water bottle over a swing set was a legitimate sport. They called it bottle tree, but it didn’t take a genius to know that the hoodlums must have recently had a “study session” with Professor Mary Jane herself.
“Here you go sir,” said the vendor. “Ah, excellent,” said Glaze as he reached for his wallet. But he quickly stopped. Something had come over him just then and he had a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach. He sniffed the air. “Newports...” he whispered to himself as he leaped into his Jaguar. “Sorry man, that hot dog is going to have to wait…justice calls!” he shouted as his car roared down the street.
Meanwhile not too far away, standing on Communities’ infamous smoking corner, was none other than Dean Judy “Da Cobra” Conger herself. She wore a look of smug satisfaction as she blew smoke rings from her nose. But satisfaction turned to oh-craption as she gazed in horror at the car that raced towards her. It was Glaze all right, and Conger assumed that it probably had nothing to do with the forum bulletin.
This was it. He had finally caught her and she was not going to get away with it this time. He pulled his car over and stared Conger straight in eyes. “I’ve got you now you crafty Dean!” roared Glaze as he stepped out of his car. But it looked like Conger had other plans, “you’ll never take me alive you big galoot!” she screamed as she broke into a stumbling run. But Glaze was ready for her. Swiftly sliding across the glossy hood of his car, Glaze leapt, soaring through the air with the grace of a flying squirrel and the raw strength of a grizzly. It was only a matter of seconds before he had subdued Conger in a bone crushing headlock. “You can run, but cha can’t escape da MacDaddy!” hissed Glaze.
It has been almost a month since the incident, but it seems that the event left a permanent impression on many of the students and faculty at Community. Some see it as an excuse to smoke, one such believer is a student by the name of Matt Hampel. “If she can do it, why can’t we?” said Matt as he took a hard pull from his long wooden pipe that seemed to be carved into the shape of a ferocious dragon.
!http://static.flickr.com/40/120884754_2e1e4624a1.jpg! Some of this discontent was witnessed at a recent town meeting. During the “ask the Dean” portion of the gathering, Conger was asked by a student how she felt the incident had affected Community’s image. After asking the student to repeat themselves several times, Conger finally claimed that she did not recall the matter at all. At that point the crowd began to get out of control, several faculty members began shouting profanities and Madeline Hubel-Drake picked up a chair and shouted “Death to Dean!” through spit flecked lips. It was not until Glaze fired several rounds into the air from his Smith and Wesson .22 that order was finally restored. “Answer the kid,” said Glaze in a cool tone. But Conger retorted with a “yo mama” joke and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
But what’s the big deal? Why are people angry that Conger is smoking a perfectly legal substance like tobacco? For the answer, only one man could be trusted, Communities very own counselor/comedian John Boshoven. Boshoven’s office was more of a den than a workplace, there seemed to be something resembling a moose head that was tucked away in a corner and Enya CD’s littered the floor. “I’ll give you the answer in three words,” said CHS counselor/comedian John Boshoven, “Big Smelly Hypocrite.”
Boshoven was right, Conger was president of the “Deans Against Smoking” campaign and several faculty members had complained of a certain odor about Conger. In a recent interview, the Biweekly World News tried to shed light on the enigma that is Dean Judy.
“You’re from the Biweekly News? Son of a…who let you in?” grumbled Conger as she peeled a nicotine patch off of her arm and slowly began to chew on it. The room smelled of Febreeze and Funions, a fragrance that burns the nostrils and stings the eyes. “Listen, I already told you guys, I’ve never smoked cigarettes and I never will…” she said as she swallowed the nicotine patch, “Now please, get out of my office.”
Filed on 04/01/2006